To Be Happy
by CreddieCupcake
Summary: Carly just wants her friends to be happy, no matter what that means for her. However, she can't push away her feelings for a certain brown-eyed tech-boy any longer. Creddie, obviously. Cam friendship. Mentions Seddie. Setting is months after the arc.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One.**

_She's my best friend._

The words were ringing in Carly Shay's mind. She was stretched out on the couch, an episode of Girly Cow playing. She loved Girly Cow, and this was her favorite episode. Normally, she would have been quoting every line perfectly. Normally she would have been laughing, smiling. Normally, but not today. Something was eating at her today.

_She's my best friend and I want her to be happy._

_He's my best friend and I want him to…_

Carly sighed.

_I want him to love me._

_But I want him to be happy._

She got up and turned off the TV. It wasn't like she could focus on it, anyway. Instinctively, she reached for the phone. Normally, when something was bothering her, she would call Freddie. Her best friend never failed to cheer her up, and he could be there in 12 seconds (they'd timed it one day) if she needed him.

_Not this time_, she thought bitterly, forcing her hand back down to her side.

It wasn't right – it couldn't be - to smile at him and tell him she was "just tired" when really, all of her problems stemmed from the jolt of electricity she felt when he smiled at her.

She suddenly realized she had been staring at the door for a long time, a hundred different scenes playing through her scattered mind: Freddie coming in to do iCarly; Freddie coming in to study for an upcoming test; Freddie coming in to watch a movie. Freddie, Freddie, Freddie.

She turned away from the door and headed toward the fridge. Maybe Sam had a good system when it came to how to handle stress. Maybe food was a good idea. She pulled open the refrigerator door and leaned against the door as she looked inside. They were a little short on food, which was why Spencer was at the grocery store; that, and the new sales girl. He would be a while.

_Mayonnaise, carrots…unidentifiable green substance…blue tea, or ham?_

It didn't take very long to decide on the blue tea. Her stomach was churning too much to keep anything down (just glancing at the green whatever-it-was in the fridge had almost done her in), and Sam would want the ham when she came over, later.

Sam.

What would she think?

What would she think if Carly told her that she loved…

That she was _in love with_ Freddie Benson?

_She would hate me, c_ame her jarring realization.

_She would hate me, just like_ I_ hate me._

This was silly. Surely Sam would understand. It had been a while since Sam and Freddie had broken up, and they were best friends, after all. Her stomach twisted into a knot as she realized that their friendship was the reason why she didn't want to tell Sam.

What if Sam _did_ get mad? Their friendship would be over. _iCarly_ would be over. Then Freddie would have to know why, and it would be too awkward to hang out with him anymore. That would leave her with no friends, and a crippling pain in her heart for the rest of her life.

Why, oh why, did Carly have to like him?

Pouring a glass of blue tea, she took one sip, put it down, and then headed upstairs. What was to be done? She couldn't turn off these feelings - she had certainly tried. Before they got together, she had tried. The entire time Sam and Freddie had been dating, she had tried. After they had broken up, she had _tried_. Trying was all she ever seemed to do, and it was never good enough.

Just like Carly Shay was never good enough.

Not for Freddie. Not for any of the guys she had dated to try to take his place.

Not for herself.

She flung herself onto the couch in her room and sighed, hugging a pillow to her chest. This one was Freddie's favorite. She put it down. She stared at the table, at the little boat. Freddie loved that boat. She looked away. Moving her attention to the walls, she was bombarded with pictures of Freddie. She closed her eyes and heard his laugh.

_What is wrong with me?_


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two.**

The knot in her stomach wouldn't go away. She knew what the cure was, but she didn't want to face it.

The strange thing was, she wasn't as worried about Freddie finding out as she was about Sam finding out. Sure, it had been a while since they had broken up. Sure, they had broken up mutually, they said. Sure, Sam seemed to be over Freddie, and vice versa. But the truth was that Carly hadn't known they liked each other in the first place. And even when they were together, it didn't seem to Carly like they liked each other "the good way". They were always fighting. If they liked each other now, would she even know? Why would she know this time, when she had missed it so entirely before?

What if Sam still liked Freddie? What if they were about to get back together and Carly, as usual, was the last to know it? What if they already _had_ gotten back together, but they didn't know how to tell her? She couldn't stand to ruin everything by telling Sam how she felt about Freddie. She wanted them to be happy.

_But I want to be happy, too._

She sat up, covering her face in her hands.

She had to tell Sam.

Before she had time to talk herself out of it, she picked up her phone and dialed Sam's number with her shaking hands. She'd known it by heart for years, and she had never been so reluctant to dial it as she was at this moment. She took a deep breath and put the phone up to her ear, her stomach twisting even more painfully than it had before. She was definitely going to be sick if this kept up. She had already worried herself into having a headache, and she felt feverish.

Ring.

_She's going to hate me._

Ring.

_Oh, God, please help me!_

Ring.

"Hey, Carls."

Her throat went dry. What was she planning to say?

"Carls?"

"Hey…um…Sam…" Carly said, giggling nervously. She was trying to sound normal and failing miserably.

"Okay, what's wrong?" was Sam's immediate response. She obviously knew Carly way too well.

"What? Wrong? Nothing's wrong! Why would something be wrong?" Carly was getting panicky, and she sounded like a complete idiot. Sam said nothing, waiting for Carly to crack under the pressure and tell her what was really going on.

"I just…" Carly sighed. She couldn't do this over the phone. "Can you come over early tonight? Like as soon as possible? I really need to talk to you about something."

"Yeah sure, just gimme a few minutes," said Sam, hanging up.

Carly pushed the END button on her pear phone and threw it onto her bed with yet another sigh. What was she going to do? What could she say? What if Sam hated her? Was this a good idea?

She let out a little shriek of annoyance and hit herself in the face with a pillow.

_I'm such an idiot._


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three.**

It took about fifteen minutes for Sam to get to the Shay apartment, and Carly felt like a complete basket case by the time she got there. She had moved back downstairs and turned Girly Cow back on, and was now staring at the screen blankly, her barely-touched blue tea in her hand.

Sam bounded into the Shay apartment and slammed the door unceremoniously behind her. Walking over to Carly, she put her hands on her hips and gave her a demanding stare.

"Okay, what's up?" She asked, right off the bat. Leave it to Sam to get right to the point.

"Well…" Carly suddenly became very interested in the glass of blue tea she had previously forgotten about for nearly an hour.

Sam took the glass, put it on the table, switched off the TV, and sat facing Carly. "Look, you've been acting all weird lately. What's wrong? Is your whacky grandpa trying to make you move to Yakima again? Because you know I can get out my butter sock if you need-"

"No, it's nothing like that," Carly said, biting her lip. She couldn't meet Sam's eye.

Sam seemed almost disappointed. "Well what _is_ it, then?"

"It's…about a boy…" Carly said cryptically. She was half hoping that Sam would know what she was talking about immediately and casually bring it up herself. Something like, "Oh, the fact that you like Freddie? What else is new?" sounded nice. She glanced at Sam.

Nothing.

Obviously, she wasn't getting it quite that easily. Carly was going to have to say it. Her stomach felt like it was inside-out, tied in a knot, and in a blender. Then her words came out in a rush: "I like him, Sam. I didn't want to tell you because I know you like him, and I didn't want us to have another fight, and I want you to be happy, and-"

"So...you like _him_?" Sam raised an eyebrow. "Since when?" She didn't look mad; just completely baffled.

Carly looked down at her knees. "I don't know exactly when it started. A long time ago, I guess. I can't make my feelings go away. Believe me, I've tried," She sighed, leaning back against the couch and drawing her knees up to her chin. "Sam…I think I love him." She was starting to cry now, but she fought the tears back. "I just wanted you to know. It didn't seem right to keep it from you like this." She knew how she had felt when she found out that Sam liked Freddie. What hurt more than anything else was that her best friend hadn't trusted her with the truth. That was part of the reason she had felt so compelled to tell Sam.

"How did you even know I liked him?" Sam asked.

"I didn't _know_. I just thought you might, so I decided I should tell you to get it out in the open." Carly looked over at her best friend, half expecting to find her glaring back at her. But she definitely didn't look mad. Actually, she still seemed confused.

"Well, this stinks," Sam said matter-of-factly.

So she _did_ still like him.

Carly's heart sank like the Titanic.

"You can date him though, really. I mean, if you want to. I'd understand. I just want you guys to be happy." Carly shushed the little voice in her head that told her _she_ deserved to be happy, too. Why had she even brought this up? She _knew_ Sam still liked him! Why did she have to make things so awkward? Granted, Sam didn't seem to be too upset. She was staring at the carpet, and she still just looked confused.

Silence.

Something in Carly seemed to snap in spite of her attempts to keep cool, calm, and collected.

"Sam! Say something!" She said desperately. She wasn't actually mad, but every second that Sam didn't say anything was one more torturous eternity in which Carly had to wonder if she'd just caused their relationship to change forever - or end entirely.

"Sorry!" Sam said defensively, looking back at Carly. "It's just…" She trailed off, and a wave of guilt washed over Carly.

"_It's just" that she had no idea I ever liked him. _

"_It's just" that she still likes him, and she wanted to get back together._

"_It's just" that I just ruined everything._

Again, Carly's words broke out in a rush. "Sam, I'm so sor-"

"I didn't even think you knew him."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four.**

"Wha…what?" Carly's brow furrowed as she looked at her best friend in puzzlement.

"Ben. I dunno, I just didn't think you knew him." Sam shrugged. "Plus, I kind of thought you-"

"Ben? What Ben?" Carly was getting more confused by the second.

"Ben Flynn." Sam looked as confused as Carly felt.

"As in…_Flynnjamin_?" This was just not making sense.

"Yes, as in Flynnjamin!" Sam looked exasperated. Then she paused. "Wait. Who were _you_ talking about?" She smiled a knowing smile – a smile that had, "I was right" written all over it.

Carly blushed. Oh well! If she was going be a bear, she might as well be a grizzly, as the saying went.

Sighing, Carly finally admitted, "I was talking about Freddie."

"I_ knew_ it!" Sam looked elated. Carly could have thrown up on the spot, just out of relief.

Instead, she dropped her feet to the floor, sat up, looked straight at Sam and asked, "You're seriously not mad?"

Sam snorted. "Are you serious? I've been waiting for you to figure out you liked him for _forever_!" Her smile barely fit on her face. Carly was starting to actually process all of this.

"So…you knew I liked him?" Carly couldn't hold back a bit of a smile. Just to know that this was out in the open and Sam didn't want to rip her arms off was good enough, without her actually being _supportive_ of Carly's feelings.

"Well, okay, I should have figured it out a lot sooner than I did." Sam paused. "When you guys broke up, you still liked him, didn't you?" She looked at Carly in an uncharacteristically serious way.

Carly nodded.

"And you've liked him since then?"

She hesitated, shrugging. "Yeah, pretty much."

"Somehow I missed that. And then I liked him, and I thought you were over each other so I didn't even think about it." Sam looked down. She had never been good at apologies. "Look, Carls…If I had known, I never would have gone out with him. It probably drove you crazy having to end all of our arguments and keep us all happy when you really liked him."

Carly shrugged. It was painful, but at the time she hadn't realized exactly why it hurt so much. "It's okay. I mean, wanted you guys to be happy, at least, you know?"

"You always want us to be happy. What about _you_?" Sam protested.

Carly smiled. "I wasn't going to ruin everything for you guys!"

Sam looked resigned, smiling thoughtfully. She looked away for a moment, then back at Carly. "You know, I think he's _always_ liked you. And I think he still does."

Heat creeped up Carly's neck and onto her face, making her eyes burn with its intensity. She had to blink several times to keep her vision from blurring. "What?"

_Sam thinks Freddie still likes me? But he dated her! What does she mean "always"? She can't mean-_

"I think he's always liked you." Sam repeated, smiling now. "He liked you as soon as he met you, remember? And he was _always_ talking about it. And then when you guys broke up, he didn't know how to get back together, or if you even wanted to. And you didn't know either."

"But-" Carly tried to protest, but Sam cut her off.

"I think he still liked you when we were going out, but he just didn't realize it." Sam nodded to herself, thinking.

"So you think he lied when he said he loved you?" Carly was beyond confused, now. She was starting to feel guilty, again. Freddie had said he loved Sam. Freddie didn't lie.

"No! I don't think he lied. He just meant it as friends, you know? We always say we hate each other, but when we broke up, he didn't want me to take that seriously or either one of us get our feelings hurt or some chiz like that. So he told me he loved me, you know, as friends. I knew what he meant." She laughed. "Otherwise, I wouldn't have said it back to the nub."

Carly paused, processing. Then she looked at her best friend for a long moment. Sam was serious. Amazingly, it all clicked. The "hate" was part of a game they had been playing for a long time. When they said "I love you" to each other that night, they were calling the end of the game. Saying they could be real around each other, and show their real feelings. They were confirming their friendship instead of denying it, for once. That was why they hadn't been awkward around each other since they broke up; their friendship had actually been bettered _because_ of their brief relationship.

However, there was still something Carly felt the need to clarify.

"So…you really don't like Freddie?" She ventured. She thought she knew the answer, but she wanted to be completely sure.

"No!" Sam laughed, looking mildly exasperated.

"And…Flynnjamin?" Carly smiled at her best friend in a teasing way.

"Mama likes." Sam drew out the words, looking up at the ceiling with outstretched hands and smiling happily. Then she looked back down at Carly, eyebrows raised.

"And _you_ like Freddie." She poked Carly in the ribs as she said this.

The blushing brunette had no choice but to giggle with relief. None of the outcomes she had planned in her head had ended even half this well. "Yeah, I like Freddie," she said through a giggle. She knew she was probably smiling like an airhead, and she didn't even care.

"So," Sam exclaimed, jumping up and doing a little dance. "Let's get our guys."


	5. Chapter 5

****A/N: Hey guys! I officially decided to continue this one! Sorry it took so long; I've been insanely busy lately, and as you'll see, this is the longest chapter so far, so it definitely took some time. I wanted to post it yesterday for #CreddieFriday, but I ended up being out of town, so I couldn't. Please read and review! I hope you enjoy it! :)

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Five.<strong>

It was about three hours until time to do iCarly, which meant that Freddie would be coming over soon. Over the years – it felt strange to think that iCarly had been going on for so long – Carly had gotten used to Freddie getting there early for every web cast. Sometimes he came thirty minutes to an hour early so that he would have time to set up or to play with a new effect on his camera or his computer or whatever it even was. Other times, especially when Spencer wasn't home (like today), he would come over a few hours earlier than normal to "check on" something, and the way his chocolate brown eyes looked at her made her feel as though she were the "something" he was coming to check on. She couldn't say she minded it, though; she had never liked being alone, and these impromptu hang-outs were often the best part of her week.

"Freddie'll probably be here soon," she said to Sam when the credits started rolling on the episode of Girly Cow they had been watching.

Her blonde-haired best friend was lying on the floor with her feet on the couch and eating a chunk of ham. She grinned. "You gonna go get all purdy?"

Carly couldn't help but smile, and tossed a pillow at her, hitting her in the face with it. "Maybe."

"Awh, you made me drop my ham!" Sam said, sitting up, her feet still on the couch, and picking the ham up off of the floor. She stared at it with her lips pursed for a few seconds, then decidedly stuffed the rest of it into her mouth.

Carly rolled her eyes and laughed, standing up. "That's so gross."

Getting up from the floor, Sam brushed her hands together before placing them on her hips. "So, you want Mama to help you get ready?"

Carly laughed at her best friend, then sassed back in a joking tone, "What does 'Mama' have in mind?"

* * *

><p>Freddie had just finished his homework and was about to head over to Carly's apartment. He would have gone straight there from school (it wasn't as if it was far from home) except that he had a paper due tomorrow, and he knew he wouldn't be able to focus if he were in the same room as Carly. Even though she stayed quiet, he would look up from time to time, just to see her. To savor the fact that she was there. Right next to him. Right where she had always been.<p>

Gathering up a few things he would need for the show that night, he couldn't seem to stop his mind from wandering, wondering.

Did she know? Had she guessed? Did she have any idea?

It wasn't as if he was surprised when he had started loving her again. If it could even be considered "starting again". A saying from somewhere often crossed his mind, and he found himself agreeing, although he couldn't remember who had said the words. _"There is no past tense in love. Either you do, or you never did." _It made sense to Freddie. Now, looking back, he was almost sure he had ever stopped. Oh, he had buried it for a while. Hidden his feelings so deeply that even he was unaware of them. But here they were again, resurfacing after so long.

He opened the door to his apartment and walked cheerfully into the hallway, before turning back to lock the door behind him. His mother was at a conference that he had been told would last the entire day. Something to do with the healing properties of kiwi as opposed to strawberries – or something fruit related, anyway.

His thoughts took him over in the few seconds it took him to get to Carly's door, and he found himself wondering, yet again, if she knew. He pushed the thought away, but was unable to do so entirely, and ended up wondering if she knew why he was coming early today. Why he always came early when Spencer wasn't home. Of course spending time with her one-on-one was incredible, but the reason he came was because he couldn't stand to think that she was alone. Not when he knew she didn't like it. Not when he was approximately 12 seconds away. 34, if she was upstairs.

There was also the thought that someone could break-in, and then she would be alone to deal with it. Well, not on Freddie Benson's watch. When he was home, he listened out for sounds of trouble – although he doubted she knew that. Still, he very rarely missed someone being at the Shay's residence.

He opened the door (Carly had told him years ago that he didn't have to knock), and walked inside. "Hey, Carly!" he called out, wanting to make it known that he was there so he didn't scare her.

"I'll be down in a second!" came her voice from the top of the stairs.

He couldn't see her, but her voice alone was enough to slap a grin on his face.

Unfortunately, the grin didn't last long. There was another voice upstairs. He couldn't tell what was being said, but the voice was unmistakable – Sam. Guilt mixed with disappointment shot through his veins.

It wasn't that he minded Sam being here. They were fairly close now, and the animosity behind their bickering had gone a long time ago, although it wasn't always obvious to those around them.

It wasn't that his afternoon with Carly – and _just_ Carly – had been taken away, although the thought did cross his mind.

It was that someone had come here and he hadn't known it. He should have known. It could have been anyone, and he wouldn't have known that they were here. Anything could have happened. He made a mental note to be more observant and shoved the guilt away.

They were coming down the stairs, now. He was suddenly aware that he had been standing there awkwardly, holding onto his tech equipment, for a few minutes. He quickly set it on the small table in front of the couch and looked up at them, coming down the last few steps now.

"Hey, Freddie," Carly said the words with a smile.

His mouth went dry.

Carly looked…beautiful. Perfect. Even more so than usual.

Her hair was down and cascading over her shoulders, and had a little bit of the frizz she got when she was stressed out. Vaguely, he wondered what she had been worried about. He'd noticed her acting strangely the past week or two, but he had just assumed it was a girl thing. She had on less makeup than usual, and the kind of natural, flawless beauty she had was something Freddie figured most girls must try their entire lives to achieve.

What made her look so beautiful, though, were her eyes. There was a new look in them. Some light, some glow that hadn't been there before. It was as if her very eyes were smiling, and the effect this had on her appearance overall was unbelievable. She looked absolutely radiant. He had to catch his breath just so he could reply to her.

"Hey." He would have smiled at her, but he realized that he already was.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six.**

"Five minutes until show time!" came Freddie's voice as he bounded down the stairs.

Alarms seemed to go off in Carly's head, and she looked at Sam in a panic. "Sam!" She hissed sharply, not wanting Freddie to hear her. "iCarly's in five minutes and I look terrible!"

Sam, having run out of food in the refrigerator (except for the unidentifiable green substance which even _she_ refused to eat and some mayo that had proven to be out of date), was now searching the cabinets for something she could eat as her usual pre-show snack. She wasn't having much luck, and was therefore not paying attention. The blonde whirled around for a second and asked something about instant bacon before refocusing her attention on going through the cabinets.

"Sam!" Carly hissed again, raking her fingers through her hair frantically. It was one thing for Freddie to see her with hardly any makeup and without having done her hair, but it was entirely another thing for the whole _world _to see her. She was comfortable with Freddie; the entire world, not so much.

Freddie stepped into the kitchen behind her, but she didn't notice. He realized that she seemed to be freaking out about, but he didn't know what it was. He opened his mouth to ask her, but before he could get out the first word, she was speaking again.

"I need to go get ready. I can't do iCarly looking like this! I look like I fell asleep for four years and then woke up and decided to do a web show!" She turned around and he caught a glimpse of that cute little pout she did whenever she was panicked. She looked surprised when she saw him, apparently not having heard him coming. It struck him how completely beautiful she looked, and he had to tell her. Letting someone who looked like her believe they were anything less than utterly gorgeous was like someone forgetting to tell Einstein that he was "pretty smart".

"You look great," he protested before he could stop himself. "What are you talking about?"

Carly was slightly taken aback that Freddie had said this. For one thing, she hadn't realized he was within earshot – let alone right behind her. But for another thing, it had also been a while since he had complimented her like that. Freddie wasn't the type to compliment someone out of force of habit or simply because he thought that it was the polite thing to do. She had known him long enough to know that when he complimented someone, he was serious. Her cheeks flushed pink and she stammered for a moment before finally sputtering out a, "Thanks, Freddie."

Was it her imagination, or did he look slightly awkward for a moment? She could have sworn his cheeks were a little pink. She looked again and any trace of this was gone – replaced by his adorable smile. That smile was contagious, and she was smiling before she knew it. For once, Carly forgot to worry about her appearance.

* * *

><p>"…And that's a wrap!" Freddie grinned broadly as he punched a few keys on his laptop and lowered the camera.<p>

Sam high-fived Carly and the two laughed together for a moment as Freddie pulled the camera strap off of his shoulder. "Okay," he said, checking his computer for a second, "we need to write a part two for that bit about the tuna fish sandwich and the frog. It looks like most of our viewers really loved it! Listen to this one! Irene in Idaho says –"

Spencer walked into the room just then, pushing his hair out of his eyes in slow motion as he strode toward Carly and Sam.

"What'cha doin' there, Spence-o?" Sam asked, raising her eyebrows at him curiously as he reached them.

"Trying to look good for all the ladies watching iCarly tonight," he said, pausing and striking what he must have thought was an attractive pose. Sam chuckled at this and Carly said, "Oh, well we wrapped up right before you got here." She smiled a little, then leaned closer to Spencer and rubbed her shoulder into his arm. "How'd it go with what's-her-name?"

Spencer made a noise that sounded like a cross between a horse and a cow and stared at the ceiling for a moment with a frustrated frown, motioning oddly with his hands.

"That well, huh?" Freddie laughed.

"Well I was there all day trying to get her to go out with me, and she kept trying to get me to buy meat for some reason, so, you know, I was shopping for meat all day – I told her it was my cat's birthday and we were having a party tomorrow – and anyway, right before I left I realized that her boyfriend was in charge of the meat department." He looked disappointed.

The iCarly trio formed a chorus of "oh!" and "ah!" in the appropriate response to this painful story, and Spencer nodded. "I wondered why he was glaring at me over the glazed ham all afternoon." He sighed.

"Mmm, glazed ham," Sam said dreamily.

"Yeah, I bought like six pounds of it."

Sam, suddenly wide-eyed, quickly left the room and hurried downstairs. "I'll be right back!" She called out behind her as she ran off.

Spencer watched her go, nothing but his eyes moving, and then looked back at Carly and Freddie. "Well, I'd better go put everything she doesn't eat in the freezer." He followed her down the stairs and Freddie turned to Carly, grinning. "I wonder how much meat he bought before he realized-" Suddenly, he stopped. She looked upset.

"Hey, you okay?" he asked her quickly, gently resting a hand on her shoulder.

"Yeah, I'm fine!" She forced a smile at him, but she couldn't hide the fact that she was obviously exhausted. The sleepless nights and all of the stress and worry were finally catching up with her, and she felt a headache coming on. "I'm just really tired."

Freddie hesitated a moment, watching her, and then smiled slightly. "All right. Well, go to bed and get some rest, okay?" he flashed a worried smile at her and let go of her shoulder. "I'll see you tomorrow." He started out of the room, and Carly yawned, then smiled at him.

"Okay. Goodnight, Freddie!"

"Goodnight, Carly." he called to her, smiling at her again over his shoulder before leaving the studio and letting the door close behind him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven.**

Carly Shay woke up very late the next morning, feeling horrid. She didn't want to open her eyes, but she knew that she should probably get up, anyway. She got up with a sigh, grabbing her phone from its usual place and shoving it into the pocket in her pajama pants. Her headache had gotten much worse, and she was almost sure she had a fever. "Spencer!" she called out as she groggily padded down the stairs, her comforter wrapped around her. He emerged from the kitchen after a second or two.

"Hey, kiddo," he said, smiling at her gently. "Are you feeling any better?"

Carly rubbed her eyes and shook her head, walking a few feet and then collapsing on the couch. "I feel like I got hit by a train." She rolled over and buried her face in a pillow, and Spencer came over and rubbed her back lightly, pulling the comforter up on her shoulder. "Well, you can sleep if you want," he said, and his voice seemed to be coming to her through jell-o. In two seconds she was fast asleep on the couch.

Then came the fever dreams.

She was telling Freddie he was a hero. "You are one…to me." She leaned in to kiss him, her heart pounding. But this time he pulled away, forcing himself back into the pillows. "I wish I'd never done it." He said, looking at her seriously. "I wish you didn't feel this way." She pulled back, her head spinning, and everything blurred until she was suddenly standing somewhere else.

She was in a hallway. Looking for…something. Some_one_. Oh, Freddie! Of course she was looking for Freddie. She turned and looked out of a window, and her jaw dropped at what she saw. Freddie was kissing Sam. Carly felt her stomach drop and her feet stuck to the floor. Her eyes went wide, and she couldn't fight the tears that sprang to her eyes and the heat that crept up her neck when Freddie unexpectedly turned and saw her. Was he smiling at her? Didn't he know how much this hurt? Somehow, she heard him speaking, even though they were far apart. "This is what I want. I never wanted you." His voice echoed in her ears until the world again shifted and she was standing somewhere else.

The iCarly studio materialized around her and she looked up, getting her bearings. Freddie was looking at her. "You're jealous." His voice floated to her, and though his words were soft and slow, they might as well have been a sword, for how they stabbed her. "You don't have a right to be jealous. I'm happy. I'm happier without you. I deserve to be happy." She felt tears rolling down her face, and then her world went dark, spinning with dizzying speed and streaks of bright light.

The spinning stopped and suddenly everything went into focus. All of the guys she had dated – a rather large number, actually – standing in a line. They were all speaking to her at the same time, but she couldn't hear any of it. Their faces were angry and accusing. She turned and ran with all her might, then tripped and fell to her knees at the end, her hair covering her face. Letting out a sob, she stayed there on her hands and knees, hoping she was far away from them. Then she heard a voice.

"You just can't get it right, can you?"

She heard the accusation in the voice. The anger. The annoyance. The sick amusement at her pain.

Carly looked up, her hair falling back out of her tear-streaked face. It was Freddie. All of the other guys were gone. She opened her mouth to speak, not sure what she would say, but he interrupted her.

"I don't love you." The next words were like a blow, and the wind was knocked out of her. "I hate you." She choked on a sob as he turned and slowly walked away from her, into the shadows. He left her crying alone, lying on the floor in the darkness.

"Carly?" A voice came from far away. "Carly!" She felt a hand on her shoulder and jolted awake, still choking and sputtering on her sobs. Before she had time to think, she wrapped her arms around her brother and latched onto him, crying into his chest. His arms enveloped her and he gently stroked her hair. "It's okay, it was just a nightmare," the brown-eyed boy said in a whisper. It took her a moment to realize that it wasn't Spencer who was speaking at all, but someone else. Then she froze.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight.**

"F-Freddie!" Carly managed to croak, panic gripping her as she forced herself away from him, sniffing and trying to pretend that this hadn't just happened. He was giving her that worried smile once again. "W-what are you doing here?" She asked him in an alarmed tone.

"Spencer told me to come keep an eye on you while he met with that guy who wants the goat sculpture," Freddie explained patiently. He didn't like seeing her like this. Her face was tear-streaked and it was obvious that she felt awful, anyway. He wanted to do something to help her.

"Oh!" He suddenly remembered something and walked to the door, lifting up several plastic bags. "I brought these over in case you needed anything." After he had texted Spencer this morning and found out that Carly was still feeling under the weather, he had gone out and gotten anything he could think of that might make her feel even the tiniest bit better. He turned back to look at her from the door, hoping that somehow this news would cheer her up. No such luck. She still looked pale and shaky, and the look in her eyes could only be described as distant.

There was obvious concern in his eyes as he frowned at her, putting down the bags. Then he walked back and crouched down beside her. "It must've been some nightmare," he whispered, tenderly wiping away a fresh tear with his thumb. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Carly looked away, biting her lip, and curled her legs under herself, moving the comforter a little so there was room on the couch next to her. "Well, you hated me," she said softly, with a shrug. She was trying to make it seem like no big deal, but in reality she was still trying to force back the tears, and her throat was tight from trying not to cry.

Freddie's brown eyes went wide and he stood up straight, then sat down next to her in the vacant seat. "Carly, I could never hate you. You know that. You're…"_ my everything_, his mind supplied. But he couldn't say that. "You're my best friend."

Blinking back tears, Carly leaned into him and rested her head on his shoulder. "You're my best friend too, Freddie," she said with a tiny smile. _That's what makes this so hard._

"Whoa," he said, turning his head a little to look at her, and placing a hand on her forehead for a second. His frown deepened as he took his hand away. "You definitely have a fever. I knew you were really tired," _At least that's what you keep telling me, _"but I didn't know it was this bad." Maybe something else was wrong. She _had_ seemed stressed out. He mentally went over the past few weeks, wondering if he had done anything to upset her.

Carly looked at him for a moment and then suddenly realized that he somehow thought this was his fault. If she hadn't already been touched by his worry, this made it even more adorable. "I'm fine, really!" She quickly assured him. "I'm just really…" _Don't say "tired" again, Carly. Don't do it. _"I've just been…" She tried again. _Say something! "I'm tired" isn't working. He knows something else is wrong. _"I've just been really stressed." She decidedly closed her mouth in an effort to stop rambling.

He turned to look at her and she instantly realized that telling him she was stressed hadn't been the best plan; now, he would want to know why. As usual, she knew him too well, and he didn't disappoint.

"What's wrong? Is it your grandfather? We can get Sam to-" he seemed nervous and eager to help her with whatever her problem was. How could she explain to him that her problem was him?

"No, It's not Grandpa Shay," She picked at the comforter, wishing she hadn't said anything. Maybe she should have just pretended to still be asleep. Her throat felt tight, and now that she had cried, her nose was even more stopped up. Vaguely she wondered how long his arm had been around her.

"Then what is it? Finals? I can tutor you in anything you want, you know that." He fixed his eyes on her, fully willing to hack off his own arm if it would somehow help. But she just shook her head. _Think, Freddie. _He told himself. _What could it be? _He stared at her, and realized that she seemed hurt somehow, deep within her. Like she had broken off a part of her heart and was continually stabbing herself with it. Something less like pity and more like protectiveness tugged at his own heart as he silently watched her.

_The last time I saw her look like this was… _He stopped. Everything stopped. He would have sworn even his heart had stopped, had it not returned with a vengeance a moment later, attempting to burst through his chest with every heartbeat. _The last time I saw her look like this was when that skunkbag, Steven, cheated on her. _Something inside him ached and his mouth went dry.

"Is it a guy?" He asked her quietly, forcing his voice to sound even. Freddie wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer.

She hesitated. Nodded. Some part of him died.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine.**

"Juice me."

T-Bo slid the fourth Styrofoam cup of whatever juice it was Freddie had ordered (he didn't remember, and everything tasted like chalk anyway) across the counter. Freddie halfheartedly counted out some bills and tossed them onto the counter with a hollow, "Thanks," before picking up the cup and padding back to his table.

Freddie didn't often come to the Groovy Smoothie alone, but ever since yesterday, he felt the need to drown his sorrows in various flavors of juice. Something about the girl he loved practically telling him she liked someone else had put him in a bad mood. Especially since this guy – whoever he was – was undoubtedly at least as much of a jerk as all the others had been. The look in her eyes yesterday…

Freddie shook his head to clear it of thoughts and took a large swallow of his juice.

He couldn't get the image of her, looking at him with that almost pleading expression, out of his mind. She was so easily broken. So vulnerable. And these guys walked all over her without a thought. It was always the same; she would like a guy and build her world around him, planning out even minute details like whether they would have a television in their bedroom when they got married. Then, after a few weeks of pretending to be in love with her, the jerk would break up with her (usually for some other girl, and often not bothering to hide it) and leave her picking up the pieces of her shattered world.

Oh, she was good at pretending it was all right. Pretending she hadn't really cared about the guy and that she didn't cry herself to sleep, some nights. But pretending was exactly what it was. Freddie knew. More than once he had looked through his peephole and seen the broken brunette standing at the door across the hall, hands shaking as she tried to find the keyhole through the sea of tears in her beautiful eyes. She would finally succeed, enter her apartment, and the door would close just as his opened. His courage always arrived a little late. One day he had lingered in the hall long enough to hear her slump against the door on the other side and drop to the floor, her wounded voice softly asking, "What did I do wrong?"

Sometimes all he wanted was to hold her.

And for a brief moment in time, Freddie guessed that he had.

They hadn't been together for long, but that had been his decision. He had broken up with her, even though he always told himself that it was mutual, or that it was at least for her benefit. She had acted okay with their break-up, but the world of hurt in her eyes had told a different story. That look had been the fuel for many nightmares. The truth was, he had broken up with her out of fear. Fear that one day, he would wake up from this beautiful dream. Because being with Carly was just too perfect to be real.

But their relationship had been real. His feelings had of course been real. And the hurt he knew she shared at their break-up was also _real._

He had told her that when the cast came off they could try at a relationship again, if she wanted to. He was hoping that somehow, she could clarify for him that her feelings were true and that she really did love him back. But she had never mentioned it again and eventually he realized that she must have moved on. Time did that to a person, sometimes. With time, you could believe that your feelings had changed. You could convince yourself of anything, given enough time. For him, what he tried to convince himself of had been that he didn't really love Carly. That it was somehow stupid to love her because he didn't have a chance. He had forced himself to move on - to love someone else. _Anyone_ else. Just to move on from the beautiful brunette that haunted his every dream and nightmare.

So when Sam had kissed him, it hadn't taken much to convince himself that he had feelings for her. For him, it hadn't been a lie. He had tried desperately to make their relationship work, maybe partially out of guilt at ruining his and Carly's relationship. But time and again they would have a fight and he would find himself running to Carly to make sense of it all. Because still, in spite of everything, it was Carly. It had _always_ been Carly.

It would always _be_ Carly.

Of course, he hadn't realized that until after he and Sam had broken up. He never would have done that to her, had he known. Sure, Sam could be a demon sometimes. But she didn't deserve to be hurt any more than Carly had. And he loved Sam too, just…in a different way. He couldn't actually say that he regretted their relationship, because it had made their friendship so much stronger. They still made fun of each other and were still jerks to each other ninety percent of the time, but the difference was that now they knew that they would be there for each other through anything, when it got right down to it. Before they had been frenemies, but now they were _friends_.

He had to wonder if she knew that he still loved Carly, and what she would think if she did.

A slurping sound snapped him out of his thoughts and he realized that his cup was already empty. Funny how he hadn't tasted a single swallow. He resolved not to buy any more juice today, but for some reason he couldn't make himself leave. This was a great place just to sit and think about life. About mistakes. About _her._

A slight shadow fell on his table, and Freddie didn't even look up from his empty cup. He figured it was probably T-Bo, who was currently peddling red velvet cupcakes on a stick, complete with white frosting and multicolored sprinkles. However, he realized it wasn't T-Bo when he heard, "Yo! Why do you look like my mom after a break-up?"


End file.
